Tales of Life-Desu. ^_^

Released a whole bunch of concentrated thoughts onto paper, for the first time in a long time. I flicked back through what little entries I had in here and I can tell that I’ve changed significantly. The thoughts I have are still incredibly strong-willed and I’m glad for that.

I’ve left myself multiple notes, and so far they’ve been good. Between the injury and felicity, I seem to be much more profound when I’m drowning in pain and can’t do what I want to do with my body. I should go back in time more and find the remaining letters I wrote myself, the ones from a couple of years back are going to be the most entertaining.

Side note: sometimes I debate whether or not it’s a good idea to rely on your notes from your past self, but only your past self really thinks as far as your current self does. Plus, only my past self understands me the best, just gotta be wary that these thoughts don’t go out of control.

I seriously feel that I owe it to my family for the person that I’ve become, they’ve shaped how I perceive, my beliefs and what drives me to be a better person. At times I have fallen short of the tasks given to me and I do regret those moments but they are still my number one priority when it comes to my decision making.

Often times I make decisions concerning the house, improvements and repairs, I supervise and ask questions like any curious person would. At the same time I’d love to just kick back and play video games, but I understand my responsibility as perhaps it’s not a simple job and knowing how this works the person will need assistance.

Other times I take time for myself, to recharge, to study, to ensure that my future goals are met within ranges that I find are acceptable. I’m learning to become disciplined, to become someone who embraces responsibility, understands it and realises the possible repercussions of them. My freedom is directly tied to the respect I give my parents and the tasks they outline me. I see no reason to rebel from their care, to act unruly for no clear reason but to just act unruly. I’m constantly being asked to take time away from my responsibilities at the most inopportune times and it infuriates me.

I’m told that I lack the assertiveness to approach a woman, yet my duties teach me discipline, it teaches me to understand responsibilities and to honor those responsibilities. I’m happy to release myself from responsibilities and take a break, to relax and to do things for myself, but soon enough I will return to my old dutiful ways and respect the power in this household, respect and be respected is the general rule in the house.

Perhaps it’s just this one person who’s so insistent that I relieve myself of responsibilities to play games. It just doesn’t seem appropriate and most people understand that my family is one of the most important things to me. My duties will not be overridden once begun, I complete them to the finest of my ability and I hope this translates to everything else.

Don’t try to pry me away from this. 

I honestly believe I’m getting fiercely defensive about my uni, I don’t know if this is a bad thing. But I guess it’s pride in the uni you go to I suppose. If I didn’t enjoy what I did and what I’m going to do, I probably wouldn’t be enjoying my time at uni as much.

So when people mock UTS or something along those lines I just get all worked up and mad. I like it, it’s where I study, it’s where I’ve met heaps of people and it’s always been my list of goals. I mean, I’ve completely overlooked the whole “Ugliest building” remark, just because I’m almost always inside so I can’t see what anyone’s complaining about. We have our own issues internally and what not. But I mean, in my experience, it’s been a lot better organisation ways compared to UWS. In the administration/organisation sense I mean, UWS is an okay uni - People just give it too much shit for having “Western Sydney” in the title.

But yeah, I like my uni and though it feels like I’m just going to school with longer commute times, I enjoy it. That’s all that matters and I shan’t let other people’s opinions about my uni bother me all that much. It’s so petty, it’s like the way you made fun of the neighbouring schools in the area when you were younger and you’d get all riled up about it.

I’m happy here, and overlooking any issues I find, I’m having a grand ol’ time. c:

So, I’ve received some of my assessments back and completed some presentations. According to my schedule for uni, I don’t have any more assessments for the next three weeks. I’m healing faster from that earlier aggravated tendon two weeks ago and I’m skating again.

I have a fun run of 10km in about two weeks and I have yet to ready myself seeing as I can only do 6km at full limits. But it’s okay if I end up walking some of that course, I’d rather have my body in a moderate condition rather than break it again. I’m listening to it better and it feels good, stretch when you need to, rest when you have to, run when you have a good solid feeling. I need to take care of myself because seriously, running is causing tons more damage than skating is at the moment.

I pick up scuffs, scratches and grazes but that’s fine. I’m going down to the Sydney City Bombsquad soon enough. Last time I went I was fairly inexperienced, but with skating so often and so hard I think I should survive. I just need to make sure I stay composed, the route is something I’m moderately familiar with. But I’ll learn from my fellow skater, I’m excited for the next couple of weeks. I’ll take a break now and then get back to studying.

Things are going fairly well, that and there’s a girl I’ve set my sights on. Vivid is coming up. You do the math. I’m excited for the rest of May. c:

They’re getting incredibly prevalent, I think I can pin it on the lack of sleep I’ve been getting as of late but they really like making it a point where they just shake me back into consciousness. I hear drums when I’m nodding off in class, chasms covered by clouds as I begin to tip and fall into them.

They’re all related by falling lately, it’s quite frustrating. I had one where I was dreaming that I was skating along and I threw down a slide. The road ahead collapsed and I found myself falling into the pit. The board drops down and I’m on knee pads and gloves attempting to slow down, I lose enough speed but the rest of my body has fallen off the ledge. I’m hanging on by my fingertips, I’m reaching, clamouring for the other ledge trying to maintain a grip. The road falls apart and I begin falling again.

I had another moment when I was on the train to uni, I check my phone, nod off slightly and when I glanced at my arm it was turned inside out. I’ve been attacked by wolves and involved in fights, but when I snap back to reality. I’m normal again. When it becomes a little overbearing I just have to remove myself from thinking for a little while.

The distinction between dreams and reality is still a significant line. The hallucinations end quickly enough. I think I just need to sleep.

Finished a presentation yesterday and an exam today. I wanna clear out enough of my schedule, I wanna take her out somewhere.

It doesn’t matter that she looks good in a dress, that her hair flutters in the wind, the books she reads or the way she smells in the springtime. None of that matters if she doesn’t know what she wants for herself. She needs to know what she wants for herself, I guess that’s what I want from her the most.

Wherever you are.

Reading “This Side Of Paradise” by Fitzgerald, having far too many cups of coffee for the time.

Physio tomorrow, probably going to get cleared for running again.

So snug and warm right now. Detoxing from competitive video games for now. Knowing me I’ll probably be playing again tomorrow, but let’s just finish this book first.

• Vivid
• Presentations
• Tests
• Reports
• Groups
• A potential date during VIVID. (I will do all in my power to make this happen.)